Three local Triton High School students have been sentenced to prison after failing to wait for their bananas to ripen, violating an obscure yet enforceable law in the Massachusetts code.
Police say the trio, C-D, B-D, and E-M, were caught indulging in underdeveloped produce, despite multiple warnings about the risks and social dilemma of premature consumption. The courtroom fell silent in anticipation as the judge read their sentences, setting a rough example for those who refuse to let nature take its course.
The community is bursting with shock as details emerge about the scandalous actions of these individuals, who have been rumored to show off questionable taste for years. Their clear disregard for ripeness has lifted serious concerns about the state of judgment in today’s society. How could one ignore the simple rule: “Good things take time?” Parents are warning their children, grocery stores are beefing up security, and banana experts everywhere are left wondering, “how did we let this happen?”.
It all started on a calm, quiet Tuesday evening at the local Newburyport Market Basket, where witnesses say C-Diddy, B-Didds, and E-Money were spotted loitering suspiciously in the produce aisle. Camera footage shows the three aggressors pacing back and forth, near the banana stand, only stopping to exchange whispers before finally striking.
With total disregard for common decency, they each grabbed an aggressively green banana, peeled it with no care, and took a considerably large bite. Gasps filled the store, and mothers fainted. Mrs. Zizza, a typical market basket enthusiast, called the authorities, stating, “I knew they were trouble, but I never thought it would come to this. I’m just happy my beautiful, pretty, and petite son, Beckham, wasn’t here to witness.”
Police had arrived in short time, immediately spotting C-D due to his signature red jacket. Officers reported a disturbing scene: partially eaten bananas spewed across the floor. “It was horrifying,” said Officer Lucy, who had made the arrest and was first on scene. “The texture… the bitterness… It was clear they were nowhere near ready.”
The three were soon taken into custody with little incident, though B-D allegedly attempted to flee, slipping on a peel in a moment of divine retribution. After arrival at the nearest station, they were booked under Massachusetts General Law §401-B, which strictly restricts the act of “consumption before appropriate ripeness, as determined by consensus and common sense.”
The courtroom was tense as Judge Thompson glared down at the three defendants. “This is a disgrace,” she declared, slamming her gavel. “You ignored the natural order of things. You rushed what should have been allowed to mature. Do you have no patience? No respect?” The accused remained silent, no emotion. No appearance of regret.
Witnesses didn’t hold back their disgust. Braydn Lopes, a Triton High School senior, shook his head in disbelief. “Wow! I never knew they were like that. Or even capable of that. I loved them like brothers.” Some say he knows many other crimes they’ve committed, but this has since failed to be proven true. Meanwhile, Lebron James, weighing in from an undisclosed location, delivered a saddening statement: “I kind of expected something like this to happen. They’ve been at it for years, but nobody would listen to me.”
Judge Thompson wasted no time in delivering a punishment fit for the crime. “C-Diddy, for trespassing with intent to expedite produce consumption and violating Mass Penal Code §731-B.” He will serve 2.5 years in prison and pay a $5,000 fine. Thompson then moved on to the second assailant, “B-Didds, for breaking a legally binding curfew agreement under the Juvenile Conduct and Accountability Act.” For this, he’ll serve five years in Florence ADX, the most secure prison in America. “And E-Money, for conspiracy to commit premature fruit consumption under the Agricultural Protection Act of 1994, you will be sentenced to two years with parole and mandatory banana-ripeness education.”
With this ending, viewers witnessed the courtroom erupt. Meanwhile, grocery stores nationwide began locking up unripe produce, with new “Preventive Produce Regulations” issued overnight. “We can’t let this happen again,” said an anonymous Demoulas Market Basket employee. The trial was over, but the scars left by their crime may never be healed.
